Filling up pages - a commitment to myself

 I am revisiting this blog after over five years. How I got to this place ... I'll highlight the relevant points. 

In 2014, I made a resolution: that I wanted to be an artist. I was surprised to find that exact blogpost where I made that commitment to myself. And that inaugurated a whole series of life-changing events, that unfolded over the next few years. I would tear down the current life I was living, and rebuild from scratch. It sounds like a figurative exaggeration, but it really isn't. I was forced to re-evaluate all of the closest people to me in my life - my husband, my parents, my sister, my Guru (not necessarily in that order), and most importantly, myself. Going a little further. back, I believe that my personal awakening began when I became a mother in 2012, which led to questioning who I am, which has in turn led to so many more, ongoing questions, answers, awakenings, and musings. 

2016 Christmas was when I found myself at ground-zero.  I thought I had hit the lowest point I could possibly go to, and then I would be knocked down further. It was one hit after another. My theme song for that time was definitely, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down." I can't believe I just referenced a non-Indian song. But, of course, I don't know the name of the song, or who sang it. That would be asking for too much from me. 

2018 was the start of the upswing. The good thing about being at the bottom is that the only place to go from there is up. And slowly, day by day, things started to get better. Sometimes you'd have a good hour. Sometimes a good day. Sometimes a good week. And it has now built to a place where I can say that we've had good years in our rebuilt life. 

Slowing down has been a big focus of mine. But, living in Silicon Valley in this era, even at my slowest, I felt like I was maintaining a slow jog, with an occasional sprint when too many things fell together at the same time. It's a great improvement from the maniacal headless chicken dance I did for so many of my years prior to 2014, but still not where I wanted to be, and I could feel it. 

2020 brought everything to a grinding halt. There was no choice about it. It was as if Mother Nature told the whole world - STOP. JUST STOP. STOP EVERYTHING, AND TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELVES. 

And, oh, we definitely did. The Black Lives Matter movement erupted within three months of the Shelter-in-Place order taking effect. That has been one of the most profound looking glasses put in front of our faces. Racism was no longer a binary check box - racist or not racist. Now we were forced to look at all our implicit racial biases that influenced our thoughts, decisions, perspectives ... which would then effected our policies, laws, etc.

But on a smaller, personal note, I made the decision to do something for my artistic self in 2020. I joined an online master class called "Creative Mastermind." It was run by a college friend of mine, Srinivas Rao, whose Unmistakable Creative Podcast I used to occasionally check out - and I found that I enjoyed what he was doing: highlighting the lives and stories of people who decided to do something different, and make a life out of it. I decided to commit 1 hour a week for the next 12 weeks to just listening to whatever this course was saying it could help me do - develop systems and pr
actices for being my best creative self. 

The snowball analogy is the best way to describe how I have gotten to where I am now, a year later. That commitment slowly led to more reading, introspections, writing, realizations ... and it crept into all facets of my life. I realized I had been fearing to reach out to a wonderful and incredible artist I had had the opportunity to work with the year before (2019) - but now with the SIP order, I thought maybe he might have the time to teach me online? Best decision ever - as this has grown into a beautiful new relationship, and I have unexpectedly found myself in the loving care of a guru. I feel like a small plant, being well taken care of, but constantly poked and prodded to grow quickly and reach for the sun, moon, and stars. 

I left social media in August 2020, as a part of a 100-day challenge I was doing with the online creative network I had joined. Social media was impacting my mental health. In a random, given moment, when you'd scroll through your Instagram feed ... in five minutes, you'd see 20+ posts, and experience 20+ different emotions - varying from happy, sad, angry, envious, laughter, inspired, etc, etc. It's not to say those emotions are bad to experience,  but IT'S TOO MUCH. My mind cannot handle that many varying emotions in that short of a time span. And then be expected to go back to whatever mundane activity I was doing before that.

Removing social media was like detoxing from an addiction. It was a really well-timed detox, as I managed to survive the 2020 election season. It also led to reevaluating my relationship with my phone. 

Now, those who are close to me have often been frustrated with my relationship with my phone. From missing calls, to not having the ability to look up pertinent information bc I don't have my email on my phone -- my attempts at digital reduction were bringing in enough inconveniences that those closest to me (i.e. my husband) were left frustrated with my asinine methodologies. Reading the book "Digital Minimalism" helped me here by figuring out how to utilize technology to support the life that I want for myself - without being inconvenienced and inconveniencing others around me.

The life that I want for myself. That's a heavy question.  

By the way, in four months of not having social media in my life, I read more books than I had read in the last four years. That just shows how little I read in the years prior - not what a voracious reader I have turned into. Though, I must admit that I am proud that I have already read four books this year, and it's only the beginning of March! 

I've decided to continue with the rest of my life without social media. I have social media for my dance school/company, but not for me personally. The things that I liked about social media - feeling connected to others, and sharing my story. I will find better ways of supporting those two aspects in my life. 

I have been keeping a Bullet Journal since June 2020. I've always loved notebooks. I often would have something that I called "My Everything Notebook," which had everything from notes, to personal journal entries, to phone numbers, receipts, etc. Well, turns out someone figured out to make the everything notebook an efficient system of preserving and planning your life. I discovered that I also enjoy doodling and I'm not half bad at it, thanks to an unending supply of inspiration from Pinterest. Keeping a bullet journal has also reignited my passion for calligraphy and lettering, a passion of mine since I was ten years old. 

Writing is something I've always loved to do, and wished I did more of. So, I put the idea out there in the universe - I want to write more. I have become a believer in an almost simplistic approach to life - you put the idea out there, and then the universe revolves around to bring that idea to a reality. Call it the power of the subconscious, call it god, higher power, call it the force - whatever floats your boat. But try it - you'll be amazed at how simple it can be. 

I was approached by an editor to write a piece for their blog, "American Kahani." I was pretty flattered to be honest. I don't consider myself a writer by any means, though I have been paid for the craft in the past. And so, writing for that blog started turning the wheels even faster, as I further began to ponder, what is it that I have to say? 

With this post, I make a commitment to myself - to keep filling up pages. I hope that this goes beyond my morning pages (three pages of hand-written stream of consciousness at the start of each day), and bullet journal - but also to this personal blog, American Kahani, and my creative narrative writing - where I bring to life all the characters and stories that float around in my head on any given day.