BFP -- Big Fat Positive

The morning of May 27th I was leaving for Mexico for my best friend Priti's bachelorette party. As usual, I left my packing to the last minute and went to bed at 1:30 am -- I had to wake up at 5:30 for my early morning flight. I had decided that I would take a home pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant so that I could drink all that I wanted in this upcoming, debaucherous weekend. I was 99% certain I wasn't pregnant, but knowing would just make me not worry about it.

Low and behold, I got a BFP -- a Big Fat Positive. By the way, there are a million acronyms that us normal people don't even know of in the TTC (Trying To Conceive) world, as I soon discovered. I had no idea what that positive meant ... I ran over to my snoring husband and asked him 'What does this look like to you??' He thought I was showing him a flight itinerary or something ... and then registered the stick in front of him ... 'Oh ... ok, I guess you're not drinking this weekend!'

My flight got cancelled that day (after spending 3.5 hours at the airport yelling at one person after the other) but the upshot was that I came home and scheduled a dr's appointment and was able to confirm the pregnancy!

Though I had never imagined that this would be a phase to share, the first person I told was Kutu. I sent her the MMS of my HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) and she was totally shocked! We both started planning how we were going to tell Mom & Dad. I didn't wanna do the desi 'You're about to become a grandmother' dialogue ... eeeeshhh ... but wasn't sure how to tell them ... we seriously had not thought this through very much.

I remembered that when Shilpa didi had gotten pregnant the first time (hahahaha!) ... she had told me by saying 'Hey, check out this new book I'm reading...' and handed me the 'What to Expect When You're Expecting' book ... and I remember screaming with excitement. I decided I would do the same with Mom & Dad. Kutu was excited and said, 'Make sure you video chat me at the time, I wanna see their reaction too.'

So I went down to Santa Cruz with my new book in tow. We got all of us on video chat ... at some point, Mom decides to leave the room. Kutu looks at me, and tries to gesture, 'what do we do now?' Daddy notices that us two are trying to have a private convo over video chat and leaves the room saying 'You're having you're private talk, I'll leave.' I finally had to demand 'Everyone come back to the room! This is family time!!!'

We segue the conversation over to the new books we're reading, and I say to mom, 'Lemme show you the new book I'm reading,' and hand her the book. 'Oh, achchha...good.' and awkward silence. Me and King were so confused -- were they not happy? Do they not showcase happiness for this kind of stuff in our family?? Finally I said 'No one's going to congratulate us?' And then Mummy's eyes widened with recognition and she screamed with excitement and hugged us. Talk about anti-climactic.

So far it's been pretty good ... going to the bathroom more, having disturbed sleep, and eating a lot more. Anyway, it's an exciting time, and I'm staying positive. I've decided I'm not going to have nausea!! I'm going to be the 25% lucky ones.

I can't wait until the 12 week mark when I don't have to keep this huge secret anymore! 

Player hater ... hate the game, not the player

What does that even mean??? I never understood that.

Anyway, after days of being frustrated with the logistical nightmare that is the production the size of Chhandam's RAMAYANA Dance Drama ... I am FINALLY excited about it!! What's crazy is that 24 hours from now, this performance -- that we have worked for hours and days and weeks and months for -- will be history! Such is the nature of performing .. "Once you get on stage, you're history," as Guru ji says.

But it feels pretty freakin' awesome while you're up there! 

A simple Tweet, and her life is complete

I was rolling my new foam roller on my IT band, practically screaming in pain at every juncture. It was 10:30 in the morning, and I had already rehearsed for 1.5 hrs, and done a 1 hour pilates class, and now was stretching my poor, broken body. I have another 2 hrs of dancing ahead of me in the evening, and I'm already feeling the dawn of plantars fascitis in my left heel -- it's not looking good. As I took a break from the torturous stretching, I looked at the News Feed on my FB, and saw this status update: 

Ohhh my god..! After much time, energy and devotion...Abhishek Bachchan finally tweeted me back directly on Twitter!!! I wished him a "have a great day today AB!" and he said "thank you and the very same to you too"...AHHH!!! My life is complete. ♥ (followed by 27 likes and 15 comments of how amazing this girl is, how lucky she is, congrats, etc. Who knows how much this number will grow to by the end) 

Now, had this been a teenager who had posted this, I would have laughed it off. I would even extend it to an undergrad student -- I remember being pretty ecstatic when Jackie Shroff randomly phoned me one morning in my Berkeley apartment because I had written an email on his website -- though there was no Facebook back then, I doubt I would have publicized that to the world, but that's just me. 

But this is a young woman in her mid-20's. Those who are responding to her are also in their 20's and even 30's. This is our next generation of  professionals who will run the world in various industries -- doctors, lawyers, businessmen/women, scientists, politicians -- the creme de la creme of the Indian community that makes us the most affluent immigrant group in the United States. This generation will be defining the values upheld by the future generation of Indian Americans to come. The fact that getting a TWEET from Abhishek Bachchan -- validated this girl's self-worth and made not only her feel like this was the happiest moment of her life ... but also made her friends envious of her 'star status,' is completely beyond comprehension to me. 

What is it with people's obsession with Bollywood stars? I understand being a fan of the movies, the actors, the music, etc -- but where does one cross the line from simply appreciating something, to starting to define their own sense of self around these stars? What really do these people achieve by taking a day off work, to stand all night in the cold, outdoor shoot in Healdsburg to see Shah Rukh and Kajol shoot for MNIK? Ok, they saw them in real life ... even got a picture with them ... now? खेल ख़तम पैसा हज़म. 

Firstly, what kind of values are we upholding if we are basing our self worth (and deeming other people's worthiness) on who they know, or who they mingle with? As if getting a tweet from Abhishek Bachchan is really knowing him, but the idea that's making everyone salivate is the fact that this girl could possibly, someday, know Abhishek Bachchan. Oh my f---ing God!!!!! (followed by squeals of giddiness)

Secondly, what kind of values are we propagating if we are idolizing a mediocre actor whose only claim to fame is his last name -- Bachchan? Even Abhishek Bachchan said at one point in an interview that his last name was the only reason he was getting any movies, he'd be an idiot to remove that from his name (as his numerologist advised). I guarantee you that none of these girls drooling over Abhishek right now would turn twice to look at him if he was named Abhishek Banerjee and offered to buy them a drink at V Bar in Santana Row (then we'd see standard bitch Indian girl behavior, but that's completely off the topic!) Perhaps this idolizing of the 'son of a famous person' is just an extension of the first issue, where we base our self worth on who we know. Actually, it would be the other way around: because we value others only on who they know (in this case, valuing Beta Bachchan based on Papa Bachchan), we, in turn, do the same in our lives with ourselves and our friends. 

Where is these people's self-esteem? Do they really validate their superiority or luck in life on chance encounters from celebrity stalking? And what do they achieve by that brief encounter? What if I'm the one who is in the wrong, by not finding a meaningful happiness in a 38 character typed message sent from 10,000 miles away from a person who has never met you, and could never be bothered to meet you in their life? 

Anyway, I was feeling really upset about this, and felt the need to vent. I read a few articles about celebrity worship, and found a quote from a Blogger named Jennifer Gibson that I liked on the subject: 'Idolizing or admiring someone for their accomplishments, and then pushing yourself to excel in the same way are positive elements. But, are we worshiping celebrities for the sake of being famous, or are we worshiping true heroes? ... If we confuse heroes and celebrities, we are depriving ourselves of real role models. We should admire those who are famous because they are great, not those who seem great because they are famous.' 

That, in the bold, is the crux of my issue with all this. 

Fatigue

The screening of 'Upaj' on March 18th just happened this weekend. It was a whirlwind of stress & activity for the last two weeks, and now I'm feeling completely burnt out. There's still tons of work to be done on the film ... and the mere thought of it makes me want to go to sleep. Actually, aside from going to sleep, nothing else has sounded appealing to me.

I've told myself that I'm allowed to be completely useless & lazy this week, and then I have to start up normal life again next week. I just don't know if I'll be ready a week from now. Right now I feel like I could sleep day & night for weeks.

1099, are you outta your mind??

If there's one area where I feel completely clueless, and fearful of the unknown, it's taxes... and by association, accounting for the IRS. You would think this fear would make me extra cautious, and make me watch every step I take. On the contrary, I'm so afraid of it, that I put if off until there is no possible way for me to delay it any more. The last minute has arrived.

February 28th. My 1099's were due today, and, of course, I hadn't done anything about it. I thought about it ... a lot ... but did nothing about it. But, thanks to my good friend Avani, who had already told me this was very simple, and nothing to worry about -- I relaxed a little. In my case, this was bad, because it was further justification to put it off until today. But really, all I had to do was pick up the forms (avail at any Office supply store) and fill out the names of the people who I had paid more than $600 in this business year, and mail them out -- it had to be postmarked by today to make the deadline, and I started working on this at 11am, so I wasn't terribly concerned. Because 'Upaj' had no funds for most of 2010, we hardly did any work, except towards the latter part of the year. I had gotten my individual hires to fill out W9's (unlike the year before where I didn't even know what a W9 is ... not that I know what it is now, but I know I have to make individuals fill it out at least!)

Office Max -- no 1099's.
Office Depot -- no 1099's.

I finally located an Office Max that had one packet of 1099's left. I told them to put it on hold -- I would be there within the hour (I feel like Jack Bauer). The Office Max was right on Market and 3rd -- talk about crappy parking situation. However, I found the associated multi-storied parking garage (which would validate the first 20 mins, so that wasn't so bad), and picked up the package of forms -- a package of 50 ... each page has 2 on it, so 100 forms -- I had three employees for the entire year. Talk about a waste of money. But oh well, it's the IRS, you can't really get around it.

I come back home, and after realizing that one of the guys never sent me his signed W9, track him down and get his info. As I'm on the phone with him, I open the package just to make sure that I don't need any other info from him. BLANK. The pages are blank. ALL OF THEM. WTF?!?!

Apparently this is the electronic version. Where you print the stuff on it? I don't know ... I don't think I have the software for this, and I really don't need anything that fancy. I just need two forms.

Sooooo ... I make the treck BACK to Office Max ... wind up the claustrophobic parking structure to the seventh floor, park, remember to get my parking ticket ... and the Office Max guy looks at me like I'm a moron. 'Yeah, it says blank.' Really helpful dude. 'Well, can I get the pre-printed ones?' He points me to the pile of tax forms, as if I'm a blind idiot, and low and behold, they don't have the pre-printed ones. Of course not.

The only saving  grace was a) I could return the opened package of blank 1099's and b) he recommended a store a couple of blocks away that might have them. So back on the 7th floor of my parking garage, I call the new shop, and make sure to ask for the 'pre-printed 1099's' this time. They have them! And better yet -- they sell them INDIVIDUALLY for $0.80/page, so I can spend $5 on this rather than $35!

That made me feel better ... ok, so what, I wasted an hour, but at least I'm saving money for my production. I park at a parking meter a couple of blocks away, and pick up the papers, and come home to work on filling them out. At this point, I have gotten all the missing info from the other people who I hired for the year (ok, I have to admit, out of the three people, I didn't have info on two of them; I was not on top of my sh--). I sit down to fill them out, and I can't seem to figure out which box to put the amount of money each person was paid. No worries, I leave a message for Avani, she'll call me back and let me know. It's still only 4 pm -- all I have to do is fill three boxes and make it to the post office which is three blocks away (they have parking, so I can even drive it to save time).

Avani calls, and I read out the choices of boxes for where I should be putting in the amount, and she asks me 'You have the 1099 Misc forms, right?' I look at the top right of my forms '1099 Int.'

I have the wrong bloody form.

It's 4:30 at this point. I have resigned to the fact that it's just NOT HAPPENING TODAY. I have no one to blame but myself -- this is what I get for leaving it for the last minute.

I called the other branch of the new stationery story and asked them for the 'pre-printed, 1099 misc forms' and they say they have it. I will be picking them up tomorrow. As a contingency plan, I've asked Avani to pick up a couple for me as well -- worst come to worst, when I go to Redwood City for my car servicing this week, I'll pick them up from her in Palo Alto.

I should take this as a lesson to not wait until April 10th to complete the accounting for my company, and then be going thru this massive stress & confusion & hysteria. I hope that 6 weeks from now, I don't have another post complaining about how badly my day went, because of my own fault.

I should remember this moment, and think of this quote:
"Every duty which is bidden to wait returns with seven fresh duties at its back."  ~Charles Kingsley

Tell me about it.

You are there/You are the one

One of my favorite songs 'Yeh Vaada Raha' was coming on the desi radio today (I'm totally into the Desi Radio app on my iPhone which has like 15 different Hindi radio stations that play 24/7). Ironically, I'm always singing along with that song, and have never really bothered to listen to the song itself. Today, as I was driving down the 405, I sang along with Asha, but decided to enjoy Kishore da's part and listen quietly.

तू, तू है वहि दिल ने जिसे अपना कहा 

All this time, I was singing तू, तू है वहीँ and not वहि!!

How funny that a slight nasal sound in the word can change the meaning entirely ... it still made sense to me तू है वहीँ -- you are there. I never bothered to connect it with the rest of the sentence to realize that it actually makes no sense.   

It just made me think how complex language is. I didn't even consciously realize until today that there are two words वहि and वहीँ  in the Hindi language, that sound so similar but mean two totally different things. 

Dhing-chak!

I just saw the movie 'Band Baaja Barat.' I had heard from Jagmohan ji that it was really good, and then my Mom & Dad said it was decent ... so I went into it with lukewarm expectations. I was sitting alone for the two hour film, and found myself laughing out loud randomly at places in the film -- something that doesn't happen very often for me. And, of course, I was getting senti at the love-story aspect of it.

The hero from the movie (I still don't even know what his name is, and part of me doesn't want to look him up and attach a different personality and other roles to him) was this sleazy, low class guy from some Harayana village, who obviously has a lot of money, and is "studying" in Delhi college, but is really just squandering away his father's wealth, being a complete wastrel. Luckily the film doesn't dwell too much on that -- one scene is enough to understand this type of guy. But he's sooo low-class in his mannerisms, behavior ... it's hilarious how authentically he played it -- we've all met people like that in our lives. I was watching the opening with Sid Bhaiya and said, 'Oh my God, if this is the hero of the movie and if she is going to fall in love with him .... !! That will be some miracle writing for me to start liking this guy." Low and behold, less than 10 minutes later, I found myself totally rooting for this character, looking forward to how the romance was going to pan out for the next 90 minutes.

Despite the film starting to drag a bit towards the end of the second half, I really enjoyed it. It was refreshing to see a modern Indian story, with the typical Bollywood masala added to it ... but all the 'dhing-chak' (a reference to the film) added to the story and didn't take away from it.

It's great when you only watch 6 Hindi movies in a year ... you filter out all the garbage, and come out feeling a sense of optimism for the future of Bollywood.

P.S. And I also really liked the song 'Dil to aivayin lut gaya'